You walk up to her, it’s going alright, and then it happens. Silence.
So you panic. And you reach for another question. Where are you from. What do you do. Any siblings. Big plans this weekend.
You’re not flirting with her. You’re interviewing her for a job. And she can feel every second of it.
Here’s the problem with questions. Fired one after another, they turn into an interrogation. Every question hands her the work of keeping the conversation alive while you sit back and wait. It feels safe, because you never have to risk saying anything real about yourself. But safe is the whole problem. Nobody has ever fallen for their interviewer.
There’s a hidden tell in it too. Rapid-fire questions quietly scream that you’re nervous and just trying to keep her talking so the silence doesn’t come back. She picks up on it instantly.
So here’s the fix, and you can use it tonight. Stop asking. Start saying.
For most of the questions you’d normally ask, make a guess or an observation instead.
Instead of “where are you from,” try “you don’t strike me as a local, you’ve got way too much energy for this place.” Now she’s either laughing and correcting you or curious how you guessed. Either way she’s in it.
Instead of “what do you do,” try “let me guess, you’re either a teacher or you’re in marketing.” She’ll tell you you’re dead wrong, and now you’re playing instead of filing paperwork.
Instead of “what do you do for fun,” try “I’ve got a rule, one thing a week that scares me. Walking over here is officially this week’s.” Now you’ve shown her something about you, and she’s got something real to react to.
See the difference. Questions pull from her. Statements give her something of you. One feels like work. The other feels like meeting an actual person with a point of view.
And here’s the bonus. This is also the cure for running out of things to say. You never run dry with statements, because you can always notice something, guess something, or share something. The blank moments disappear, because you stopped depending on a list of questions you have to keep refilling.
Now, questions aren’t banned. A real one, asked because you actually want the answer, is great. The poison is the nervous rapid-fire interview. Let statements carry the conversation, and drop in a real question only when you actually care what she says.
Here’s your move this week. Next conversation with a girl, cut your questions in half. For every one you’d normally ask, make a guess or an observation instead. Let her correct you. That’s the whole game.
Reply and tell me the one question you always fall back on when a conversation goes quiet. I’m going to take the most common ones and give you better replacements in a future email.
Noah D
@itsnoah.d